To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to the attention of those of us at MDS Labs. that COVID restrictions and fear of catching the virus continues to keep many Americans out of the classes that have long been offered by many fitness facilities across the country. As a result, we now realize that many of you have been deprived of the back-breaking, body-contorting exercises we send out to class leaders to crush your souls while strengthening your bodies, but only if you do them right. If not, as your coaches have repeatedly reminded you, you are merely suffering needlessly.
Rather than have you, our exercising public lose momentum, regain the two pounds you’ve been losing and adding all year, and realize that you could probably get along perfectly fine without all the pain and suffering our exercises have caused everyone (except for those two pert people in the front row) we have decided to issue a description of our new moves to prevent boredom from setting in
As you will see, this new fitness routine is anything but boring, especially for those of you who are prone to collapsing from exhaustion.
Mark D. Sade
THE SKATER — Quickly moving back and forth from leg to leg in squat position while holding your hands over your head.
JUMPING JACK FLASH (YOU’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS) — Return to squat position and do squat jumping jacks while holding a 10 pound dumbbell in each hand.
KNEE JACKS — If you thought the squat jack was challenging, you’ll quickly discover you haven’t seen anything yet until you’ve tried doing jumping jacks on your knees. Feel the (rug) burn!
PLANK YOU VERY MUCH — This fun exercise calls for a one-armed plank while your other arm and the opposite leg are held high in the air. Hold for 5 seconds. Repeat six times, then switch sides.
CRUNCHY CRUNCH — Dedicated to those of you who exercise before breakfast, these crunches are done while balancing a full bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal on your chest. With milk in the bowl.
DOWNWARD DOG AND PONY — Slow down a bit with this exercise that starts with the downward dog yoga pose. Once you’ve assumed the position kick alternating legs back while braying like a donkey.
Then, finally, there’s our favorite…
THE MAGICAL THINKER — Start out in chair sitting in the pose of Auguste Rodin’s “The Thinker” statues, then get down on all fours. Put right leg in the air, then hold. Put left leg in the air, keep up as long as you can. Repeat 10 times, very fast.