Category: Politics

Or The Fundamentals Of Avoiding the Office Fundamentalist

These folks are the exact opposite of our Quixotic friend even though they might seem the same at first glance. Where the Quixotic are often the gadflies who try to make us better with what seems like crazy ideas that eventually become mainstream, zealots generally run in packs and have wacky ideas that are designed to drag us backward. They are the fundamentalists in every country and religion. In some places, they advocate Sharia law. In our country, they loudly oppose Sharia law because they fear it will block their efforts to impose their own brand of fundamentalism on us instead.

Be careful of these folks because the more you see of them, the worse they are.

Here are some ways to spot them:

They Feel Threatened By New Ideas.

By that, we mean anything that has been thought up since, say, The Crusades. If you hear them say something is “the work of the devil” with a straight face, you’ll have a pretty good idea of where they’re coming from.

They’re Relentless.

They not only believe they are right and you’re wrong, but they won’t rest until you join them and see it their way. Why? Because if you don’t accept their world view, you will rot in hell or face some equally heinous fate. Why they can’t accept that we’re fine with uncertainty or even what they see as a really good chance that we’re going to hell is beyond us. Who knows? Maybe they get bonus points or think they will be welcomed by many virgins on the other side or something. And what does that say about what those virgins did in their past lives?

They Believe The Ends Justify The Means.

Yes, they may have to break laws, blow up others or hurt you to make you see things the right way and you might end up dead in the process, but you’ll be so much better off. At least, you won’t rot in hell.

They Blame Every Disaster In Any Other Part Of The World On The Sinfulness Of The Locals.

Oddly, when bad things happen to their followers it just seems to be a case of bad luck. When an earthquake happens in San Francisco, for example, it’s because of the city’s embrace of the gay agenda (whatever that is) and when a hurricane hits New York City it’s because of the immorality of the city, but when a tornado hits Kansas leaving flattened buildings and numerous fatalities in its path, they’re at a loss to explain.

They Believe in QAnon

Let’s get serious for a minute, here. If you look at the beliefs of Q, they’re really not all that different from the ideas espoused by Henry Ford, famed purveyor of anti-Semitism throughout the U.S. He didn’t invent anti-semitism, he merely updated it for the audience of his time. And so, too, does Q. The group takes all the ideas of anti-Semitism, throws in a few, new high-tech ideas and hits puree to make it more appealing to a modern audience. It’s enough to make you wonder if Henry Ford is Q.

They Are Still Trump Supporters.

Enough said.

They Have Daddy Issues.

Sometimes, unresolved parent issues cause people to seek approval from another, equally authoritarian figure…or it could be that they’re just plum out of their minds.

They Might Be Members Of The Westboro Baptist Church.

The great thing about being a member of this church, apparently, is that it gives you license to protest no matter how ill-advised or unacceptable your ideas really are. You can go to the funeral of a person who was at the Pulse Night Club shooting and say they deserved it because of their lifestyle choice and you can protest a soldier’s funeral just because… And best of all, you never, ever have to wear a mask….except when you’re putting on your pointed white hood.

Zealots will always be around, of course, but it’s up to us to figure out how to react. We can marginalize them or we can vote them into office. It’s up to you to decide.

This is a non-illustrated version of a story that appears on Medium. If you’d like to see the fully illustrated version with funny captions and all. Check them out at the Medium.

To Whom It May Concern:

It has come to the attention of those of us at MDS Labs. that COVID restrictions and fear of catching the virus continues to keep many Americans out of the classes that have long been offered by many fitness facilities across the country. As a result, we now realize that many of you have been deprived of the back-breaking, body-contorting exercises we send out to class leaders to crush your souls while strengthening your bodies, but only if you do them right. If not, as your coaches have repeatedly reminded you, you are merely suffering needlessly.

Rather than have you, our exercising public lose momentum, regain the two pounds you’ve been losing and adding all year, and realize that you could probably get along perfectly fine without all the pain and suffering our exercises have caused everyone (except for those two pert people in the front row) we have decided to issue a description of our new moves to prevent boredom from setting in

As you will see, this new fitness routine is anything but boring, especially for those of you who are prone to collapsing from exhaustion.

Sincerely

Mark D. Sade

THE SKATER — Quickly moving back and forth from leg to leg in squat position while holding your hands over your head. 

JUMPING JACK FLASH (YOU’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS) — Return to squat position and do squat jumping jacks while holding a 10 pound dumbbell in each hand.

KNEE JACKS — If you thought the squat jack was challenging, you’ll quickly discover you haven’t seen anything yet until you’ve tried doing jumping jacks on your knees. Feel the (rug) burn!

PLANK YOU VERY MUCH — This fun exercise calls for a one-armed plank while your other arm and the opposite leg are held high in the air. Hold for 5 seconds. Repeat six times, then switch sides.

CRUNCHY CRUNCH — Dedicated to those of you who exercise before breakfast, these crunches are done while balancing a full bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal on your chest. With milk in the bowl.

DOWNWARD DOG AND PONY — Slow down a bit with this exercise that starts with the downward dog yoga pose. Once you’ve assumed the position kick alternating legs back while braying like a donkey.

Then, finally, there’s our favorite…

THE MAGICAL THINKER — Start out in chair sitting in the pose of Auguste Rodin’s “The Thinker” statues, then get down on all fours. Put right leg in the air, then hold. Put left leg in the air, keep up as long as you can. Repeat 10 times, very fast.

I don’t know about you, but I’m in desperate need of a catchphrase or a slogan. Not necessarily something I can put on a t-shirt or as a way of merchandising when I brand myself — no matter how painful we all know that can be.

No, I’m just looking for something that will allow me to sum things up so I don’t have to think up a whole lot of new words every time I end a story because, quite frankly, my son has made me tired and because being a parent has caused me to lose functioning brain cells. And words. Lots and lots of words.

Maybe that’s what happened to Donald Trump. He had so many mentally challenged children that he lost his ability to remember words. And concepts. Bigly.

Or maybe he’s just stupid.

Regardless, I’m looking for something that puts a fine point on whatever I’m saying at the end of a conversation that’s better than, say, “So, yeah….” which seems so popular with the youth of today and just about everyone else.

Walter Cronkite had “And that’s the way it is…”

Linda Ellerbee had “And so it goes.”

And Dan Rather had “Courage.” Of course he also said something about a frog having a gun in its hip pocket and guys beating him while saying, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” so maybe he’s not the best example.

Even so, the question is, what should my phrase be?

I used to say “and the saga continues” and it makes a certain amount of sense when you have a kid with ADHD because you know things really never change, there’s just a different rationale even though it’s really the same one each time.

“What’s the frequency, Kenneth” is interesting, but my name isn’t Kenneth and it makes me think of sex and the answer is usually too depressing to think of.

“All’s well that ends well” is too Shakespearian and, besides, it usually doesn’t.

“C’mon Man” is the slogan the president uses when he deals with the Republicans in Congress and other stupid people.

“Well, ain’t that a kick in the crotch” (or pants) has a certain painful inappropriate appeal to it.

“If you asked me, I wouldn’t have answered” is also kind of fun, but not real helpful. Of course, no one said I had to be helpful all the time.

“These are the times that try men’s souls” seems a little high-fallutin’ if you ask me.

I like the fact that Rachel Maddow’s “Watch this space” leaves open a world of possibility.

“I told you so” is just plain condescending.

I used to like “life’s a bitch and then you die,: but it’s not very hopeful. Funny, but not hopeful.

Oh well, I guess I will continue wandering the land in search of the right one until I finally figure it out.

And the saga continues.

I love the way modern appliances don’t work. 

My watch runs out of power then takes forever to charge and when it does, it doesn’t even come on. And before it runs out of power, it only tells the time. What good is a watch like that, I ask you?

Right before my laptop dies, it tells me to plug it in. Why? If it’s a laptop with a battery, shouldn’t it stay charged? 

My toothbrush has gotten cranky as well. Charging only lasts about a week or so an then it doesn’t even last long enough for me to finish brushing and then I have to run around with a dirty mouth until it recharges. 

But the worst by far is my Toyota Corolla. Maybe because it’s old or maybe because it was built back in 2000, it doesn’t work the way the newfangled cars work. Apparently, there’s a time limit on how long the power lock will work after the ignition is turned off. 

I learned this the hard way recently when I was having an NPR driveway moment. 

I pulled into my driveway ad was listening to a National Public Radio story for another 10 minutes before I was ready to go in. Then I pulled back the door handle, but the door didn’t open because I locked it when I got in. 

No problem, I thought. I’ll just unlock it with the power lock button. 

No such luck. I could hear the button click and the power lock try to engage but there wasn’t any power. I thought maybe I’d done it wrong. So, I hit the opposite end of the switch again. And again. And again. Still, nothing. 

Frustrated, I tried it several times in rapid succession. Still nothing. So I hit the side of the door really hard to engage the motor. 

Nothing. 

Perhaps the driver’s side just cut out, I thought. So, I tried the lock switch on the passenger’s side, but no matter what I tried, the lock wouldn’t go up. 

At this point, I was getting pretty panicked, but I didn’t care. There was no way in hell I was going to embarrass myself by contacting AAA for roadside service or calling my wife inside the house just yards away to get her keys and rescue me because I knew I’d never live it down. 

No, I wasn’t going to give up that easy. 

So, I stopped trying for a few minutes, took a few deep breaths, stared at the lock tab stuck down by my window and tried to figure a way out of my crisis. 

And then it came to me. 

I’d restart the car and see if the lock would work. And it did!

Thank goodness for the power of calm and ingenuity. 

Still, I was reminded of the story of the idiot who called AAA to report that he’d locked his keys in his car. After providing all of the details to the dispatcher, he frantically added, “Please hurry. It’s starting to rain and I left the top down!”

Not too long ago, I downloaded an app called Ham Horn because I wanted to get an airhorn sound for my cellphone. 

Go ahead, call me mean, low or rude, but I am a father who is desperate to find a way to get his ADD son up in the morning and I figured combining the airhorn with a bluetooth speaker would do it. I had been using the speaker to play “You Can’t Stop The Beat” at full tilt, but, unfortunately, he started to like it and just stayed in bed dancing. 

While I was planning with the app one morning I discovered there were other sound effects like a guy yelling, “HAM!” which is hilarious to play in a kosher household. 

It also had movie ship sound (which didn’t sound like a ship or anything else I’d ever heard anywhere), Sad Trombone (which is exactly what you’d think it is) and The Wilhelm. 

I knew what it was even before I played it. 

For the uninitiated, The Wilhelm is the sound of a man screaming that has been used in movies since 1951 whenever a person is shot, pushed from a tall building, dragged into the water by an alligator has an especially painful orgasm or what have you. 

It got me to thinking about The Wilhelm and canned sounds in general, especially canned laughter. 

No, it doesn’t come in a can. It’s just pre-recorded and doesn’t have that so fresh feeling. 

But here’s the thing. The Wilhelm was recorded in 1951 and so were many of the audience laugh tracks that you hear on television shows today, which means Wilhelm and some of the people who are laughing at your favorite sit-com have been dead for years. 

And it made me wonder what they were thinking at the time of the recording and the years after. 

Wilhelm, especially. 

I mean, why is he screaming. 

Had he closed his fingers in a door? 

Was a snake crawling up his leg? 

Was he mourning Germany’s loss in the war? 

What? Too soon? It’s not as if his name were Johnny or James. 

Also, I wondered what he was thinking as he recorded it and heard it in later years. 

“Well, I’m glad that part of the shoot is over”?

“That’s great. Im going to get an extra couple of bucks for doing the voiceover work” or maybe even “Thank god that’s done. If I never hear that recording again, it will be too soon.” 

And, if its the last one, did he put his fingers in his ears when he watched movies that involved screaming knowing what was coming or did he feel the same way that “The Agony of Defeat” skier felt each week when ABC started “The Wide World of Sports” with the phrase “From the thrill of victory” and showed a runner crossing the finish line “To The Agony of Defeat” showing the same skier wiping out on the slopes.

“Look, Lars, it’s you again,” his friends would say and he would just bury his head in his hands and cry. 

Was he ever scared? Did he have to go all method actor and try to remember a time when he was so scared? Or at that point, was he so bored with it, he decided to slap one last one together just to finish it and get the job done so he could move on with his life and forget about it? 

Did he say, “Well, there’s one they’ll never use” as he made a sound he considered so fake that he was embarrassed to have had it come out of his mouth? 

You know, the one that got away? 

Who knows? 

It’s just good to know that the next time you’re watching a horror movie and the yell scares you half to death that the person who’s yelling isn’t as afraid of dying as you are…because he’s already dead. 

They may have been smiling then, but we know the truth.

Whenever I stumble across an exercise video on Youtube, which, admittedly, is not that often, I wonder what the people who were in it are thinking. And it amuses me.

It’s easy enough if you really take the time to watch it. If I think back hard enough, for example, I can still remember the old Jack LaLanne show where he would do his workouts along with his white dog, Peppy. Jack would be exercising his brain out while his dog would either work along with us or sit there and watch. No matter what the dog did I always got the impression that it was thinking to itself “What the hell is this guy doing and when will I get my Milkbone? I’m sitting here not barking even though my owner is busy doing lord knows what and hawking protein shakes. I should at least get something for this.”

And so it was that I would watch Jack LaLane each morning because my mom wouldn’t change the channel after Captain Kangaroo ended until, finally, one day Jack was gone and a show called Sesame Street appeared in his place. It didn’t have enough of a beat to exercise to, but it was more entertaining.

Making the transition from what dogs are thinking to what’s going on in a person’s head isn’t always that interesting, though.

Take “Jane Fonda’s Light Aerobic and Stress Reduction” video from 1989 (conveniently just removed from Youtube), which is pretty blurry, but when it does a closeup on the woman in the pink leotard in the second row, for example, she has a smile on her face that only looks surface deep as if she’s thinking to herself, “Man, when this is over, I’m going to call my agent and give him a piece of my mind. I said, ‘Stunt woman, not. . . woman doing exercise stunts’…oh, never mind.”

And then there’s the guy in the back row stage right. You can’t miss him. He’s the only guy in the entire video and he’s obviously thinking, “I am loving this view. Too bad, I’m not in the middle of the back row though, if you know what I mean. They say, ‘Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes’ like it was a bad thing.” What do you want? It was the 80s and people thought things like that then.

The girl in the green is just desperately struggling to keep up while trying to remember what she needs to put on her grocery list. She knows what she plans to make for dinner, but keeps asking herself, “Does the recipe call for cilantro, or not? Dammit. Who even uses cilantro anyway? It just tastes like plastic.”

The blonde is worried that people might think her perfect 80’s coif is a wig that might fall off and what appears to be her effort to keep it on is well worth having to watch this silly video.

The girl with the long hair, meanwhile, is really appreciating the fanning effect her back is getting as she moves.

The African American woman is also smiling, but you can tell she’s having issues with the dancer next to her. I can almost hear her saying, “It’s called personal space, honey. Look it up.”

And Jane Fonda, well, she’s pretty happy, too, as she thinks to herself, “Who knew I could make more money pretending to care about the health of stay at home moms (and dads) than I ever did as an actress. I wonder if there’s some way I could do a video called ‘Exercising To The Beat With The Beat (Generation)? Who knows? I could already be doing that somewhere else on Youtube.”

Hello, my name is David. 

(Hello David.) 

And I’m a doomscroller. 

It started innocently enough, as these things always do. 

It was a little bit before the election and I discovered a site called RawStory. 

Okay, okay, so it was January 21, 2017, but who’s counting? 

Anyway, it was a site filled with stories about Trump’s atrocities (all true, of course) and little celebrations of liberal victories (on the few occasions that we had them). 

There were never any stories about UFOs (well, not until recently, anyway) but there were stories about Trump’s lies, his scandals, his administration’s scandals, Republican party scandals, the Russia investigation, the impeachment, the Russia investigation, the anti-Russia investigation and on and on and on. And it told me everything I wanted to know. 

It wasn’t enough, though. I needed more. Soon, I started adding Politico, Huffington Post, Crooks and Liars, Axios and other sites with vaguely Latin sounding names. 

Before I knew it, I would start out every day with a visit to headlines on my phone’s newsfeed, then follow it up with my first stare of the day at RawStory and maybe check out a story or two or five or seven— all before getting out of bed. 

As the election drew nearer, like, when it was, oh, 40 months away, I began checking CNN and RawStory several times a day, but CNN didn’t change stories fast enough. 

I also realized that, even though I work at a place with all kinds of computers, I couldn’t check them or my phone every minute. I mean, I had to show some restraint, after all, didn’t I? 

Then I remembered another sense. Hearing. Air America may have gone off the air years ago, but there was still Stephanie Miller, Randi Rhodes and Rachel Maddow where I could hear the news of the day often with a liberal spin, well, except for Rachel where I to the news of the day with a heaping dose of historical perspective or Stephanie Miller where I got political commentary with fart jokes early in the morning. 

So, when I was at work I might check the latest news every now and then (defined as two or three times per hour when work was slow) where when I was at home, my rate of checking might be, say, five or ten times an hour. 

Once, when our internet service went out, I was surprised to discover that we had taken guests into our home who were downright rude. I know I’d been distracted, but I don’t remember my wife telling me she had listed our house on AirB&B, but there they were, these guests who, as it turned out, were loud, abusive and argued a lot. And then I realized they were our children. 

It was at that moment when I realized that things had gotten out of hand and that I really needed to spend more time with them. And I finally stopped the madness and put my phone down….until I realized that they didn’t refresh every time I swiped their foreheads. 

Same darn kids, same darn arguments, nothing ever changed. Not even an investigation to break up the monotony. 

Not unlike doom scrolling, really, but at least the story lines were more interesting. Exhortations to drink bleach, voter repression, lies about the election, an insurrection. How could “You’re in my bubble,” “No, you’re in my bubble,” “So what, you’re fat!” possibly compare? 

And then, one day in late January. it all came crashing down in the most undramatic way. One minute we were headed by a twitter-fueled adrenaline junky, the next we were headed by . . . my elderly Uncle Walter, a really nice guy who everybody liked or couldn’t find a real reason to hate so they made up shit until people saw him in action and realized that he might have been a bit of a goofball, but he wasn’t the boogie man they were making him out to be.

And then I realized maybe everything was going to be okay. Yeah, sure, there was Covid-19 and not enough vaccines or tests and up until that point there had been no plan to distribute them. At least there wasn’t some crazed lunatic who one minute was telling us it wasn’t real and the next was telling us it was a plot against him all while doing nothing about it.

Yeah, I knew a recession was imminent, but at least I knew there was someone trying to do something about it, not telling me how good the economy was when I could see it wasn’t true.

Sure, there were some anti-semite white supremacists active within our borders who wanted to start a race war or a civil war or just a good old fashioned, plain not-so-civil war, but at least the head of the country wasn’t actively encouraging them, but instead was going after them.

And the Democrats had good ideas again and the Republicans were back to their deficit hawking ways after running up a deficit and giving more tax breaks to the rich and Moscow Mitch and Chuck Schumer were …..ZZZZZ — ZZZZZ — ZZZZZZZ.=

And it was all so terribly boring again. And government started doing stuff. Not too much, if Moscow Mitch had his way, but something.

And suddenly, things just started working again. Not well, mind you. Moscow Mitch is still out there gumming up the works and Republicans are still spineless bastards who so crave power and money that they can’t stand up to Qanon, but the election is finally over.

And I don’t know what to do with myself now that I find all this free time on my hands. Somehow it’s just not the same going to my newsfeed to see if things are changing every 5 minutes because adults are in charge and even RawStory’s landing page remains the same.

I reach for RawStories and realize that I just don’t care, but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Should I go to CNN? Nah.

Should I go to Facebook to debunk the latest conspiracy? Nah.

Should I play with my kids? No, they’re adolescents and they’re just going to yell at me.

Oh wait, look! I just got an e-mail from RawStory. I know I shouldn’t open it, but I. JUST. CAN’T. HELP. IT….

No, I will not. I’m just going to have to find something to do with my hands and my time.

Just don’t make me give up Rachel Maddow and my fart jokes in the morning.

Yes, I’m aware it’s not healthy, but I don’t know what else to do with all that free time. I know, maybe I’ll take up smoking.

After the craziness that was yesterday exposed the problems in our system under a wanna-be dictator and his not-much-more competent minions, I’ve gotten to thinking about the Electoral College and I was reminded of a recurring question: “How much studying do you really  need to be accepted to the Electoral College?” To be honest, it’s been a question that’s been haunting us here at The Blog of Dave for quite some time. 

What we’ve wanted to know is, what are the admission standards to this august body? Is it a question of either being a Democrat or a Republican? A committee member or a particular party or not? Do you have to be a true believer or someone who wandered in off the street and just happened to be in the right place at the right time? 

Heck, if Trump’s time in the White House is proof of anything, it’s proof you don’t have to be all that smart to be an elector at all. 

In fact, we at theblogofdave already had suspicions, about what it looked like, but an admission exam smuggled out of the Electoral College’s Office of Registrar confirmed our fears that entry requirements were minimal. In fact, registrants only needed to score a 10 on a battery of ridiculous questions. But don’t take our word for it. 

But you don’t have to take our word for it. You be the judge. 

---

Congratulations on your decision to apply to attend the Electoral College. Many people love our institution because there are almost no classes, you only have to attend one session and you have the ability to change the course of history. The catch is, we only admit 538 people every four years. So, it is understandable that our admission standards must be quite rigorous. You’ve obviously gotten here because you know the right people. Now it’s our job to make sure you know the RIGHT right people by having you take this short test. 

ELECTORAL COLLEGE ENTRY EXAMWhat is your name? (2 points)

What is your name? (2 points for correct answer)

Sex (Select all that apply, point value depends on party of incoming administration)

Female

Male

Transgender

Transistor

Can I get back to you on that? 

Yes, please.

Which state are you in? (2 points) 

The state I was chosen to represent.

Liquid

Solid

A little gassy

The state of confusion

Currently, I am — (2 point)

Alive

Dead

Dead, but still casting illegal votes

Desperately in need of coffee. 

I want to join the Electoral College because: (2 points) 

I didn’t go to college, but I could have. 

Night school takes too long. 

I want to make a difference. 

So far, the only degrees I have are third degree burns. 

If chosen as an elector, on December 14th I will go to my state capitol and — (2 points)

Desperately try to find parking

Keep the faith, baby

Dance with the one that brought me. 

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. 

Vote for the clown who heads up my party. 

When this is all over, I will…

Seek asylum in Australia. 

Listen to Soul Asylum

Check myself into an asylum over the stupidity of having my country participate in a system that was designed to help southern slave owners maintain their political clout. 

So, I admit I haven’t been doing as much humor in the last few weeks or so since the election because, well, because…it’s been hard.

I’ve been trying to break myself of the habit of doom scrolling as soon as I get up, but haven’t been able to find an alternative activity that really works for me. You can’t say I haven’t tried, though.

Here are some of the things I’ve tried doing instead and how they’ve gone:

Looking At Electronics Review Sites.

Reaction — Hey, I can’t believe they went with the speakers on the side the laptop. That’s an outrage! The makers should be subpoenaed!

 Looking For Deals On Shopping Sites.

Reaction — Really? Really? They stopped selling the diet soft drink TAB on Amazon? That’s just unacceptable! I’m going to call my congressperson and see if they can appoint a special prosecutor. This is just…just…unacceptable!

Checking Out Sports Sites For News Of My Favorite Teams.

Reaction — The Seahawks have seven wins and three losses after losing to the Rams, the Cardinals and the BILLS? THE BILLS? THE F’ING BUFFALO BILLS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Watching “Dancing With the Stars.”

Reaction — The whole thing is rigged. Some of these people aren’t even registered to vote in the country, a few are voting on the phone, others absentee and a whole bunch are voting early and often. What is that about?

Shopping. In Person.

Reaction — I have to wear a mask to shop in your store? Well, we’ll just see about that, won’t we. I’m going to call my lawyer and we’re going to appeal it all the way to the SUPREME COURT. Just you wait. You’ll see.

 Household Chores.

Reaction — We don’t need a plumber to fix that leak, a furnace guy to repair that problem with our heating system or an appliance person to fix that leaky gas stove. It will be fine. I ALONE CAN FIX IT!

Watching The Weather Channel.

Reaction — Hey, Mr and Miss Meteorologist, you predicted sun, but it’s snowing cats and dogs! And I just stepped in a poodle. That’s the third time this week! I demand your impeachment. Impeach them! Impeach them! Lock them up! Lock them up!

Exercise.

Reaction — You call that a jumping jack? My uncle could do better jumping jacks and he’s been dead for years!

Focus On My Career.

Reaction — Career? What the hell is that?

Yeah, I think it’s going well.

Although analysts, historians and Democrats will be poring over the results of the election for years to come to find out the root causes of why Donald Trump lost the election, the answer is simple really. No, it’s not mismanagement of the coronavirus crisis — although that certainly played a role. Nor is it his response to the Black Lives Matter movement — more than 70 million Americans knew he was an asshole bigot and voted for him anyway. In fact, it’s a true testament to the fact how much he’s hated that, despite a pretty successful, multi-pronged voter suppression effort that included the assistance of the post office, enough people showed up at the polls to defeat him anyway.

Despite all this, I know the real reason he didn’t win. It was the lack of a really good October surprise. That’s because the Republicans shot their wad during the supposedly failed impeachment hearings. Say what you want about the failure, but the Democrats helped inoculate Americans from being surprised about the Hunter Biden-corruptly-took-money-from-the-Ukranians story because the Republicans rolled it out way too early. And when Americans weren’t that impressed, they still tried to roll it out during the election.

The reason is simple, really. They didn’t have any other good October surprises up their sleeves. It’s not for lack of trying, though.

Here were some of their other ideas.

1. Releasing Trump’s taxes, but claiming they were Biden’s returns. It’s the ultimate projection, but it’s worked for the last three years. So, why not? Admittedly, referring to a skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan as Biden Tower was a tough sell.

2. Spreading the rumor that Joe Biden EATS BABIES. For breakfast. You don’t even want to know what he has for lunch and dinner.

3. Leaking documents that show Bill Barr is secretly aligned with Joe Biden.

4. After being confirmed for the Supreme Court, reports would emerge that Amy Coney Barrett spread Covid-19 to all of the justices after secretly having an affair with one of them. Ew.

5. Leaking that Mike Pence is actually the vice president’s stripper name. No one knows why this was even discussed, but there’s speculation the idea was first floated when Pence left the brainstorming session to use the bathroom.

6. Denial of rumors that Trump was the illegitimate love child of Hitler and Mussolini because…you know…they alone could do it.

7. Discovery and release of Apprentice tapes where Trump goes on Anti-semitic, anti-woman, racist rant accompanied by the sudden realization that it was actually Trump in a cabinet meeting. Apparently they thought it might appeal to the Poor Boy…I mean….Proud Boys.

8. Adamant denial of reports that Trump never had the coronavirus, he just had to be taken back to Russia to be cleaned and recharged.

9. Floating allegations that Biden was actually hipper and more with it than actually thought.