Month: November 2020

So, I admit I haven’t been doing as much humor in the last few weeks or so since the election because, well, because…it’s been hard.

I’ve been trying to break myself of the habit of doom scrolling as soon as I get up, but haven’t been able to find an alternative activity that really works for me. You can’t say I haven’t tried, though.

Here are some of the things I’ve tried doing instead and how they’ve gone:

Looking At Electronics Review Sites.

Reaction — Hey, I can’t believe they went with the speakers on the side the laptop. That’s an outrage! The makers should be subpoenaed!

 Looking For Deals On Shopping Sites.

Reaction — Really? Really? They stopped selling the diet soft drink TAB on Amazon? That’s just unacceptable! I’m going to call my congressperson and see if they can appoint a special prosecutor. This is just…just…unacceptable!

Checking Out Sports Sites For News Of My Favorite Teams.

Reaction — The Seahawks have seven wins and three losses after losing to the Rams, the Cardinals and the BILLS? THE BILLS? THE F’ING BUFFALO BILLS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DEMAND A RECOUNT!

Watching “Dancing With the Stars.”

Reaction — The whole thing is rigged. Some of these people aren’t even registered to vote in the country, a few are voting on the phone, others absentee and a whole bunch are voting early and often. What is that about?

Shopping. In Person.

Reaction — I have to wear a mask to shop in your store? Well, we’ll just see about that, won’t we. I’m going to call my lawyer and we’re going to appeal it all the way to the SUPREME COURT. Just you wait. You’ll see.

 Household Chores.

Reaction — We don’t need a plumber to fix that leak, a furnace guy to repair that problem with our heating system or an appliance person to fix that leaky gas stove. It will be fine. I ALONE CAN FIX IT!

Watching The Weather Channel.

Reaction — Hey, Mr and Miss Meteorologist, you predicted sun, but it’s snowing cats and dogs! And I just stepped in a poodle. That’s the third time this week! I demand your impeachment. Impeach them! Impeach them! Lock them up! Lock them up!

Exercise.

Reaction — You call that a jumping jack? My uncle could do better jumping jacks and he’s been dead for years!

Focus On My Career.

Reaction — Career? What the hell is that?

Yeah, I think it’s going well.

Although analysts, historians and Democrats will be poring over the results of the election for years to come to find out the root causes of why Donald Trump lost the election, the answer is simple really. No, it’s not mismanagement of the coronavirus crisis — although that certainly played a role. Nor is it his response to the Black Lives Matter movement — more than 70 million Americans knew he was an asshole bigot and voted for him anyway. In fact, it’s a true testament to the fact how much he’s hated that, despite a pretty successful, multi-pronged voter suppression effort that included the assistance of the post office, enough people showed up at the polls to defeat him anyway.

Despite all this, I know the real reason he didn’t win. It was the lack of a really good October surprise. That’s because the Republicans shot their wad during the supposedly failed impeachment hearings. Say what you want about the failure, but the Democrats helped inoculate Americans from being surprised about the Hunter Biden-corruptly-took-money-from-the-Ukranians story because the Republicans rolled it out way too early. And when Americans weren’t that impressed, they still tried to roll it out during the election.

The reason is simple, really. They didn’t have any other good October surprises up their sleeves. It’s not for lack of trying, though.

Here were some of their other ideas.

1. Releasing Trump’s taxes, but claiming they were Biden’s returns. It’s the ultimate projection, but it’s worked for the last three years. So, why not? Admittedly, referring to a skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan as Biden Tower was a tough sell.

2. Spreading the rumor that Joe Biden EATS BABIES. For breakfast. You don’t even want to know what he has for lunch and dinner.

3. Leaking documents that show Bill Barr is secretly aligned with Joe Biden.

4. After being confirmed for the Supreme Court, reports would emerge that Amy Coney Barrett spread Covid-19 to all of the justices after secretly having an affair with one of them. Ew.

5. Leaking that Mike Pence is actually the vice president’s stripper name. No one knows why this was even discussed, but there’s speculation the idea was first floated when Pence left the brainstorming session to use the bathroom.

6. Denial of rumors that Trump was the illegitimate love child of Hitler and Mussolini because…you know…they alone could do it.

7. Discovery and release of Apprentice tapes where Trump goes on Anti-semitic, anti-woman, racist rant accompanied by the sudden realization that it was actually Trump in a cabinet meeting. Apparently they thought it might appeal to the Poor Boy…I mean….Proud Boys.

8. Adamant denial of reports that Trump never had the coronavirus, he just had to be taken back to Russia to be cleaned and recharged.

9. Floating allegations that Biden was actually hipper and more with it than actually thought.