Month: October 2020

Some people are “wasting away in Margaritaville.” Me, I’m biding my time in Bratislava in a chapter I call “Another Day, Another Country.”

Singing Caves! In a chapter called “Another Cave, Another Missed Opportunity.”

The visit to Prague does not start well and since I feel like death warmed over, it only makes sense to go on a ghost tour. Other highlights include an attack by Freddy Kreuger, a Macarena dance-off in the subway and a train confrontation with teen girls who want to know why I don’t speak the language all in the chapter I call “Oy Vey, Shit.”

Excitement over reaching a city where Jewish culture thrives fades when I realize there aren’t any Jews and then I visit Auschwitz. My breaking heart is saved by a stupid, yet hauntingly familiar song in “The Light At The End Of The Tunnel . . .Goes Completely Out.”

And now, for something completely different, a country music festival, a goldschmuck and a relative of George Hamilton walk into a bar…. Wait, that’s not right, but it’s close enough in the chapter “Oh Susanna, My Achey Breaky Heart Loves You Tender…in Polish.”

The chapter in which a synagogue goer invites me to a pig roast. . . and I end the night looking for a one night stand. Hey, we can’t be perfect all the time….or even some of it in the chapter called “Things To Do In Warsaw When You’re Dead.”

This the chapter that proves it’s hard to be humble. . . when you’re stupid in every way after I tangle with train station ticket windows and the need to break into a cemetery. I call it “I’m So Vain, I Really Think This Song Is About Me.”

Who says that death and taxes are the only things in life that are certain? I realize the list should also include bathroom going in a chapter that contemplates the difficulty of not having a pot to piss in. I call it “A Bad Gday In Gdansk.”

Although I originally wrote this for LinkedIn, I thought it would be nice about now to share a non-political rant. After all, the next three weeks are going to be all politics all the time, so I wanted to offer this goofy, palate cleansing moment of zen.

It has been brought to my attention that LinkedIn is first and foremost a business and networking site, a place where people go to get business intelligence, meet with like-minded people and, possibly, get jobs. It has further been pointed out that this helps explain why articles like “The 10 Habits of Highly Effective Managers” and “10 Things Important People Eat Before Breakfast” may actually be more appropriate than, say, “Apparently, There’s A Party In My Pants (and I’m Not Invited). “

In an effort to comply with these helpful suggestions, I hereby submit my own helpful list-icle, “The Ten Habits of Highly Distracted People.” 

It’s not so much a roadmap to success as a cautionary list looking at things people do that could be keeping them from succeeding or, at the very least, a list of surefire ways to put off potential business connections. 

1. Having difficulty focusing. 

As any manager will tell you, one of the keys to success is focusing like a laser beam on goals you hope to accomplish That doesn’t mean a distracted person can’t succeed, however. All it takes is…SQUIRREL!

2. Being highly disorganized. 

Don’t believe me? I have proof right here on my des…no, wait, maybe I put it over there. Hold on while I go look….

3. Forgetting the names of loved ones. 

Stop laughing! Yes, I mean you Cin…, Han…..Nath…whatever your name is!

4. Speaking in incomplete sentences and never really completing a thought.

The point I’m trying to make is that….It really drives people up a wall when you….After all, not everyone feels…okay, okay, I get it, what I mean to say is…What were talking about again? 

5. Failure to complete even the most simple tasks……

Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but this very strange chapter is the one in which I get very tired, am menaced by giant pancake arms, try to pass off Chinese money as Lithuanian and order a toilet for breakfast. I call it “Everyone Gets Tired.”