Although analysts, historians and Democrats will be poring over the results of the election for years to come to find out the root causes of why Donald Trump lost the election, the answer is simple really. No, it’s not mismanagement of the coronavirus crisis — although that certainly played a role. Nor is it his response to the Black Lives Matter movement — more than 70 million Americans knew he was an asshole bigot and voted for him anyway. In fact, it’s a true testament to the fact how much he’s hated that, despite a pretty successful, multi-pronged voter suppression effort that included the assistance of the post office, enough people showed up at the polls to defeat him anyway.
Despite all this, I know the real reason he didn’t win. It was the lack of a really good October surprise. That’s because the Republicans shot their wad during the supposedly failed impeachment hearings. Say what you want about the failure, but the Democrats helped inoculate Americans from being surprised about the Hunter Biden-corruptly-took-money-from-the-Ukranians story because the Republicans rolled it out way too early. And when Americans weren’t that impressed, they still tried to roll it out during the election.
The reason is simple, really. They didn’t have any other good October surprises up their sleeves. It’s not for lack of trying, though.
Here were some of their other ideas.
- Releasing Trump’s taxes, but claiming they were Biden’s returns. It’s the ultimate projection, but it’s worked for the last three years. So, why not? Admittedly, referring to a skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan as Biden Tower was a tough sell.
2. Spreading the rumor that Joe Biden EATS BABIES. For breakfast. You don’t even want to know what he has for lunch and dinner.
3. Leaking documents that show Bill Barr is secretly aligned with Joe Biden.
4. After being confirmed for the Supreme Court, reports would emerge that Amy Coney Barrett spread Covid-19 to all of the justices after secretly having an affair with one of them. Ew.
5. Leaking that Mike Pence is actually the vice president’s stripper name. No one knows why this was even discussed, but there’s speculation the idea was first floated when Pence left the brainstorming session to use the bathroom.
6. Denial of rumors that Trump was the illegitimate love child of Hitler and Mussolini because…you know…they alone could do it.
7. Discovery and release of Apprentice tapes where Trump goes on Anti-semitic, anti-woman, racist rant accompanied by the sudden realization that it was actually Trump in a cabinet meeting. Apparently they thought it might appeal to the Poor Boy…I mean….Proud Boys.
8. Adamant denial of reports that Trump never had the coronavirus, he just had to be taken back to Russia to be cleaned and recharged.
9. Floating allegations that Biden was actually hipper and more with it than actually thought.